Life Lesson #2 - Have Values. Live by Them.
One day Alice came to a fork in the road and saw a Cheshire cat in a tree.
“Which road do I take?” she asked.
“Where do you want to go?” was his response.
“I don’t know,” Alice answered.
“Then,” said the cat, “it doesn’t matter.”
– Lewis Carroll, Alice in Wonderland
This short extract from Alice in Wonderland is often used in articles on business strategy as an analogy for highlighting the valid point that if your business lacks a strategy, then you have nothing to guide the decisions you take.
And I guess it works well in that context.
But I think it has greater relevance when applied on a personal level, specifically with regard to values and how they can influence the direction of our journey through life. If you have core values that matter to you – and you genuinely try to live by them – then you possess a moral compass to guide all your decisions and actions. In the mundane, day-to-day existence your values still matter of course, but they really come into play when faced with hard times or personal crises. When you hit a rough patch, reach a difficult phase in life, or come upon a fork in the road – as we all do from time to time – it is the strength of your values that will shape the choices you make. And it is for this reason that having personal values and being prepared to live by them is so important: they are the navigation aid that keep your ship of life from careering onto the rocks.
In the absence of defined personal values, or when they are not so strongly held that they actually shape your behaviour, then at times of personal turmoil or when faced with painful choices, you have little to guide your responses. As a result, you will most likely end up choosing the convenient path, or the one that makes you feel best in the short run. But as we all know, expedient choices are rarely the right ones in the long term and whatever immediate feel good factor might stem from a ‘value-less’ decision taken, it will not last forever. And where do you end up in those circumstances? Not only will you likely find yourself way down the wrong path – and usually too far along to return – but you still lack the personal values to guide the next big decision you need to take, so there is potentially a downward spiral effect. Each value-less decision taken leads to further poor decisions for there is no compass to guide you.
Every thought, feeling, and ultimately every action we take, is influenced to some degree by our values and more pertinently by how committed we are to living by them in good times and bad. Everyone has their own priority values so there is no model list to hold up as valid for all, but there are some common shared values that repeatedly appear when people are asked to list theirs. These include:
Integrity
Integrity appears atop of so many lists of values deemed important because it is the cornerstone of any relationship, and relationships permeate our lives. Of course, none of us is holier than thou and everyone fails the integrity test on occasion, or tells lies now and then. That just makes us human. In fact, one study performed by psychologist Robert Feldman at the University of Massachusetts found that 60% of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation, telling an average of two to three lies. (1) This human propensity to lie has been repeatedly identified in all kinds of studies. It is just part of what we do and it is almost as if we are genetically programmed to lie. That said, studies also show that for the majority of us our lying is confined to the ‘white lie’ category without any major consequences for us or others.
The defining issue here is therefore the scale and impact of our lies. The bigger the lie, and the more damaging the impact on others, the further we stray from following a path in life that is truly based upon integrity. Being honest is undoubtedly hard sometimes, but that is why committing to live by your values is so important. When you truly value integrity, you strive to make the right choices in all circumstances, not just when it is easy and convenient to do so: you aim to do the right thing even when nobody is looking. And just like it is impossible to be half-pregnant, it is simply not possible to have some integrity – you either have it or you don’t.
Loyalty
Et tu, Brute? Most people remember Caesar’s last words (in the Shakespearean play if not in real life) and they have become synonymous with disloyalty and betrayal. Loyalty appears high on most lists of personal values because it is a defining factor in all long-standing relationships, but especially friendships. Loyalty and integrity are therefore interdependent. If there is no honesty, there can be no friendship in the first place. But even in a long standing friendship, you cannot stay loyal to someone and be dishonest to them at the same time. Ask anyone who has ever been blindsided by disloyalty just how devastating an effect that act had on their psyche.
Courage
This is another value that always features on Top Ten lists, and for good reason. I think that courage is a ‘facilitator’ value in that it helps someone to live by other values. (And I don’t necessarily mean courage in a physical sense here, I am more thinking of having moral courage). As mentioned, it takes courage to choose the right over the easy path. It takes courage to remain loyal, even when someone or something more shiny appears on the scene. It takes courage to make the right business decision even when another might prove far more lucrative. It takes courage to tell the truth, no matter how hurtful it might be for someone else in the short run, rather than to continue to deceive and cause lasting and irreparable damage.
Empathy
I’ll finish on this one because in reality the values list is endless and we could be here all day. The world would certainly be a better place if we all showed more empathy and I rate this one as important because I again believe it is a facilitator value. When you have empathy, you understand the potential impact of your actions on others and as a result you do your utmost to try not to hurt people if at all possible. When you lack empathy, it is always open season on others and you care little for the consequences of your actions.
It is worth reflecting upon what personal values feature on your list because they are the general expression of what is most important for you in all aspects of your personal and work life. They are the foundation upon which you stand. I’ll leave you with this short story attributed to Kahlil Gibran the Lebanese-American writer which I think captures how our values and beliefs shape our journey through life:
An old man sat studying just outside of the gates of an ancient city.
A traveller approached him saying “Old man, tell me what are the people like in this city?”
The old man looked up from his reading and said “First tell me what the people were like in your home city?”
“The people in my home city were a miserable lot, greedy and mean spirited; they are why I left to wander the cruel world. I have vowed never to return to that horrible place.”
The old man sadly looked up and said “Sir I am afraid you will find the people in this city to be much the same.”
The traveller shook his head in disgust and passed through the city gates.
A few minutes later another traveller approached and bowing to the old man said “Venerable one, may I ask you to tell me of the people in this beautiful place?”
Again the old man asked “First tell me what the people were like in your home city?”
The young man smiled and said “It is a place much blessed, the people are kind and generous, I look forward to the time when my travels carry me back home so I can tell them of all the wonders I have seen.”
The old man smiled and said “Sir I am happy to tell you will find the people in this city to be much the same. Welcome.”
I think this lovely little story illustrates, amongst other things, how our view of the world impacts others and influences where we end up in life. And our view of the world is largely determined by our values.
None of us is perfect, or succeeds in living by their values all the time, so being ‘values-driven’ is not about being perfect. That is an impossible expectation for any mere mortal. However, the key message here is that for those who do strive to live by their values, even when they make poor choices that damage others, sooner or later they recognise their mistake and try to make amends. They choose the right path, no matter how late that choice comes.
Live. Laugh. Love!
If you prefer life and work lessons wrapped up in short story format, why not read my book, ‘Journeys – Short Stories and Tall Tales for Managers’. Click on the image to the left to purchase the book on Amazon, or if you'd like a signed copy you can purchase one directly on this site via our products page.